LILA AND JEFF Part 1 (March 2015) Jeff Lila? Lila Yes, Jeff. Jeff I donít think weíre going to be able to make the house payment this week. Lila Why not? Didnít you get that rapid refund thing at your uncleís tax place? Jeff Yes I did. We only got $300. Lila $300? We were supposed to get nearly a $1200 refund. How the fuck are we going to pay these bills? Jeff You told me to get our taxes done there. Lila Uncle Louie never liked you. Maybe I can get the $900 back from him. Jeff Your uncle, your bookie mobbed-up uncle runs that tax place. No wonder he has that mansion in Great Neck. Lila I didnít think he would rip off his own niece, or maybe heís hiding the money for me. Jeff You have a fucked up family Lila. For all I know your uncleís creditors could be buried in the basement. Lila No, theyíre buried in East New York. Jeff Normal people donít bury their enemies Ė at least not literally bury them. Lila You think I like having them for family? But a normal guy like you is just as warped as them. Jeff Iím warped?!? I work. I try to pay bills. I donít go out anymore thanks to you. I donít drink any more thanks to you. I used to have no problem getting dates, getting laid, I gave all that up for you and you repay me by using your uncle to extort my hard earned money, money that puts a roof over your head. Lila I didnít ask him to take $900. Jeff How can I believe anything any of you or your family says anymore? Lila OK Jeff, Iím an evil masochistic bitch who seriously loathes you. Is that what you fucking want to hear from me? Jeff The truth would be nice. Lila Maybe the truth is that Iím sorry I ever met you. Iím sorry I donít have a Tommy gun in the basement. Jeff Iím sorry I donít have any rope to hang you with. Lila Shouldnít you string up my uncle first? Jeff Iíd like to string up that young prick who gave me the $300 check. Lila Jeff, my uncle is the only one in that office who signs or gives out the checks for that place. Jeff Is he one of your cousins? 5 foot ten, slicked back black hair, wannabe Jersey Shore guido? Lila I donít have a cousin like that, Jeff. Uncle Louie hates that fucking Jersey Shore show. He even threatened to nuke Seaside Heights. Are you sure you went to Louieís tax service? Are you sure you were at the Sicilian Tax Service at Avenue Y and 18th street? Jeff Yes, 1701 Avenue Y across from Stop and Shop. Lila Uncle Louieís is at 1703 Avenue Y. Jeff That would explain the Cyrillic writing for a Sicilian tax place! Lila You asshole, you went to Uncle Louieís rivalís tax place. Jeff These Mafioso schmucks run lookalike businesses next to each other? Lila WorseÖtheyíre his Russian mafia rivals. Jeff So we got screwed by your uncleís rival? Lila Yes, you moron! Now I have to ask an uncle who despises you for money that his rival conned out of you. And, those moronís now have our address, phone and everything legit about us. PART 2 (March 2015) LILA AND JEFF II (Lila and Uncle Louie) Louie Lila, come in, you look troubled. Lila I am. . . Jeff fucked up again. Louie I warned you about that Mick, what did he do now? Lila He confused your tax service with a Russian one. Louie I am well aware of Louinov and those Russkie imposters- they used my name and even doubled the pay of one of my workers. Stupid kid Vito could be bought off for $20 an hour. Lila Youíre only paying your tax guys $10 an hour? Louie Gotta cut costs. . . Lila Yeah, like who else would drive a Mercedes with armor plating in that part of Brooklyn? Louie Well, itís cheaper and less likely to be bought off than bodyguards. Lila Are things that bad? Louie Yes, they are. Canít trust anyone outside of family anymore. Lila I have trouble trusting my husband. Louie He may be a complete clutz, but I donít see him cheating on you or ratting the family out to the feds. Lila That is true. Heís broken every piece of that china set Aunt Gina got me for our wedding. Louie I know, $12,000 in the garbage. Lila You can add the $900 he lost in refund money to the Russkies. I may need help paying the rent. Louie Iíll pay a visit to your landlord. Lila No bats this time! Louie Ok, no bats, no tire irons, no chains. . . Lila Have you ever not used force to get your way? Louie A few times, not that long ago, I met one of my rivals who ratted guys out to the feds. I gave him an umbrella. Lila Did you hit him with it? Louie No, but he didnít live long after he used it. Lila You gave the poor schmuck a poisoned umbrella? Louie Not when you put it like that. . . Lila I wonder how I could be related to you, to all of this? Louie Lila, your parents loved you. Your father did everything he could for his baby girl. And when they died in that wreck on the Belt, I took care of you. Lila Yeah. . raised by a monster. Louie Weíre all monsters inside, Lila, even you. .or dunces. Lila Only a monster could come up with a poisoned umbrella! Louie I got the idea from the Russkies. Some KGB goons poisoned a rat in London. I used it to snare a rat in Arizona. The Lufthansa rat. Lila I thought he died of a heart attack? Louie Thatís the best part, the poison is undetectable. No weapon, no charges. Now if you excuse me, I have some Russians to use this umbrella on. . .When theyíre dealt with, Iíll get your $900 back. Lila Anything for family? Louie Yes, anything for family. PART 3 (February 2016) LILA AND JEFF IN IRELAND Jeff: Aren't you glad we moved out here after that crap with your uncle? We'll never have to pay $1200 a month for a broom closet again! Lila: We had no choice. Jeff: Yeah, I don't think I'd last too long in Rikers. I'm glad my cousin is letting us stay out here, away from Brooklyn, away from Rikers, away from your Uncle Louie and his sicko associates. Lila: This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't mistaken Louinov's for Louie's. Jeff: I made an honest mistake, but thanks to your Uncle Louie, no one will ever get ripped off by Louinov again. Lila: I had no idea my uncle would torch the place and have Louinov's head delivered to the Russian Embassy. Jeff: He ended up better than the receptionist Vito. Lila: Vito's still alive. Jeff: Yeah, but he will need a colostomy bag for the rest of his life. Your uncle's associate really did a number on him. Lila: You're lucky I never knew about Bubba before. Jeff: Bubba is beyond sick. Your uncle would shoot guys and blow them up. Bubba rapes guys, and gets off on it. Lila: I had no idea Bubba was ever out of prison before reading about the trial. Jeff: The schmuck was singing a love song to Vito at the trial! I don't see how anyone who did that to Vito could love them. Lila: Some people swing different ways. You ever think about that? Jeff: I thought if they were like that, they would love each other, not try to kill them! Lila: We don't have to worry about Bubba or Uncle Louie out here anymore. But I wonder about your family. Jeff: What's wrong with my family, other than their brogues? Lila: They act weird. Jeff: Why, because they drive on the left hand side of the road? Because of that sheep dinner last night? Lila: I thought that was normal for Ballycarrick. I'm talking the other stuff, like the bonfires, hell even the toilet paper. Jeff: I like the bonfires. It is a bit weird that they only had newspaper to fuel it. But what's wrong with decorative toilet paper? Lila: A lot, when each sheet has an image of the Union Jack. Jeff: So that's the design on it? I thought it looked like the British flag. Lila: The Union Jack is the British flag! Jeff: Well, the British did oppose us Irish a while back. Lila: That was over a hundred years ago. Jeff: Some people might hold grudges. Lila: Yeah, those who have Union Jack toilet paper, fuel their bonfires with British newspapers, and who have a dartboard with Queen Elizabeth's image on it. Jeff: So what? We used to have a dartboard with Bill De Blasio's picture on it. Lila: Yeah, but almost everyone likes the Queen. No one likes Bill De Blasio. Jeff: So they don't like the British. At least they like us Americans. Lila: And your cousin Ira, showing us his firearm collection. What normal person owns AKs and Uzis? Jeff: Maybe they're not as restrictive on guns here as they are back in New York. Lila: Not even Uncle Louie would show me his gun collection. Jeff: Maybe he was jealous of my cousins. Lila: How much do you know about your cousins? Jeff: They support something called Sinn Fein. Lila: You idiot- Sinn Fein is a front for the IRA! Jeff: Funny, my cousin's name is spelled I R A, Ira. Lila: I R A is a terrorist group, Jeff! They blow up people! Jeff: So does your Uncle. Lila: There's a huge difference between the mob and terrorists! Jeff: You just had to go there, Lila. What makes you think my cousins are anywhere near as bad as Uncle Louie, or Bubba, or Louinov? Lila: I'm staying away from your family. Jeff: Where are you going to go, Lila? You go to the airport, they'll arrest you. Lila: Think about it Jeff, how did your cousin even fly us here without having to go through customs? Jeff: My cousin's connected. Lila: Connected to a terrorist group! Next room over Sheamus: Your cousin and his wife shout and roar just about every day.. Ira: They're from New York. That's the way they talk out there. Sheamus: I think the wife caught us out. Ira: So what? She and my cousin can't go anywhere else. Sheamus: I would like to meet her Uncle Louie though. Ira: I wouldn't mind meeting him either. We could use him blow up the houses of Parliament, behead the prime minister, and use his Bubba associate to feck the Royal Family to death. Sheamus: You have any other cousins in America? Maybe we could bust this Louie and his pals out of prison and get them to work for us. Ira: Not so brilliant idea, Sheamus. Jeff was the last of my family still in the States. Sheamus: One can chance the arm, Ira.