transcript of: Gary Lynch guest-hosts Springer- from April 1, 2000
Gary: Thank you all for letting me have this opportunity to guest host my favorite show We have loads of infidelity and craziness for you all today.

Audience (chanting):Gary, Gary, Gary!

Gary: Thank you, thank you! Today on this show, we have Spice Baby paternity tests and Pokemon love secrets, but first, let's meet our guest, Scot.

Audience (sneeringly): Hi, Scot!

Gary: Scot lives in an apartment the size of a shoe- he has so many lovers, he doesn't know what to do. And now he wants to [bleep] up his life by appearing on this show.

Scot (in a southern accent): Thanks for summing it up that way, Jerry, I mean Gary.

Gary groans

Scot: I just have an insatiable sex drive. I need it, and when my fiancee can't satisfy me, I have to go somewhere else.

Gary: You evil Republican, you..

Scot: Hey, [bleep], I [bleep] Democrats too. And when my [bleep] doesn't do it for me, I have to go elsewhere to get some!

Gary: Does your fiancee know?

Scot: No.

Gary: So why don't you tell her? Here's Cindy.

Cindy walks to the stage, sits next to Scot, and gives him an evil look.

Cindy: Hi, Gary. Why did my [bleep]ing no good boyfriend drag me on this [bleep]ing show? Is he cheating?

Gary: Ask him.

Scot: Yes.

Gary: You're very intuitive, Cindy. Bring out Missy!

Missy struts onto the stage. Cindy immediately attacks Missy.

Scot: This is hot. If you two hos would do this more often, I wouldn't need to sneak around.

Missy slaps Scot, then Cindy slaps Scot.

Audience (chanting): Gary, Gary, Gary!

Missy (to Scot): You slimeball son of a [bleep]. Why didn't you [bleep]ing tell me you were still with that ho Cindy?

Cindy attacks Missy again and pulls her hair: Who are you calling a ho, slut?

Security pulls apart Cindy and Missy.

Audience (chanting) Gary, Gary, Gary!

Scot grins and says: You [bleep]s both know at the end of the day, both of you will [bleep]ing get back in my bed.

Cindy: Fat chance, [bleep]

Gary: Isn't there something else you need to tell them, Scot?

Missy: He's got a VD, I just knew it.

Cindy: Do I need an HIV test, you scumbag?

Scot: No, but you 2 are not the only ones I'm [bleep]ing.

Cindy: Who else, you [bleep]?

Gary: We'll find out after this commercial break.


Gary: Thank you for watching the show. We have Scot, who just told his fiancee Cindy that he's cheating on her with Missy, and then he told Missy and Cindy that he is cheating on both of them.

Missy: who is it, scumbag?

Gary: Missy, what makes you think that Scot wouldn't cheat on you? After all, he has a fiancee.

Cindy: Not anymore, he doesn't.

Gary: Let's bring out Steve.

Steve struts onto the stage and kisses Scot before Missy breaks them up

Missy: You [bleep]ing [bleep]! You're sleeping with my brother?!?

Cindy: How does it feel, Missy? Wanna castrate the [bleep]?

Missy: Steve, how could you? Now the whole world knows you're a [bleep]!

Steve: I'm not a [bleep], I'm just like to [bleep] guys. And Scot is the best [bleep] I've [bleep]ed!

Audience chanting: Gary! Gary! Gary!

Missy picks up a chair. Security grabs the chair from Missy before she can hit Scot over the head with the chair.

Audience chanting louder: Gary! Gary! Gary!

Gary: Nothing like good infidelity in the morning. But now I need a scorecard... Scot is cheating on Cindy with Missy, and he's cheating on Missy with her brother Steve.

Scot: That's right, Gary.

Steve: This is [bleep]ed up.

Gary: No kidding.. but the ratings will be great!

Steve: I'm sorry, Missy. But I do like guys, and Scot is a great [bleep].

Missy starts crying, then slaps her brother.

Gary: There's more to this fiasco- after this commercial break.

Audience chanting: Gary! Gary! Gary!


Audience chanting: Gary! Gary! Gary!

Gary: Welcome back to the circus that is Scot's love life. Don't you feel the least bit of shame in this, Scot?

Scot: Not at all.

Cindy: You should, dirtbag.

Steve: Scot, you're awfully cocky for someone with such a small [bleep].

Missy: How could you, Scot? How could you?

Scot: As I told Gary earlier, I have a sex drive that needs to be satisfied!

Steve: Dude, if I had known you were still sleeping with my sister and Cindy, I would have left you like yesterday's garbage.

Gary: There's more Scot, isn't there?

Scot: Yes there is, Gary.

Cindy: How much worse can you get, Scot?

Gary: A lot worse! Let's meet his Irish girlfriend, Dolly!

Audience chants: Gary! Gary! Gary!

Dolly trots to the stage

Dolly: Baa

Audience chants louder: Gary! Gary! Gary!

Cindy: You're [bleep]ing a sheep?!?

Steve: Nothing surprises me anymore.

Gary: Things sure look baaaaad for Scot.

Missy: You got that right! You ever step foot in my house again Scot, I will use your carcass for target practice!

Cindy: If it wasn't over before, it is now.

Dolly: Baa. Baa.

Gary: Scot, why are you [bleep]ing a sheep? Do girls and guys not do it for you anymore?

Scot: No, I just love the touch of that wool.

Dolly: Baa. Baa. Baa.

Gary: There's more, isn't there?

Scot: Yep.

Cindy: Oh, God!

Gary: We'll find out more after this commercial break.


Gary: We have Scot, who's cheating on his fiancee..

Cindy: ex-fiancee

Gary: his ex-fiancee Cindy with her former friend Missy, Missy's brother Steve, and a sheep named Dolly.

Steve: So much for animal husbandry.

Missy: Now we all know what a pervert you are!

Gary: Not quite.. Cue up the video link from Sea World... Here's Flipper!

Cindy: a [bleep]ing dolphin?!?

Steve: This is too [bleep]ed up for me. How do you [bleep] a dolphin, anyway?

Scot: Ever have sex underwater with a dolphin? It is fun! Especially the underwater [bleep] [bleep] [bleep].

Dolly: baaa, baaa

Missy, to Dolly: Now you know what it's like when that [bleep] cheats on you.

Cindy: This is beyond sickening. Look at Dolly...

Dolly bites Scot in the crotch

Audience chants: Dolly! Dolly! Dolly!

Missy: You go, Dolly!

Scot screams in a high pitched voice while Flipper makes clicking noises on the video monitor.

Audience chants: Gary! Gary! Gary!

Missy moves Dolly away and kicks Scot in the groin. Then Cindy kicks Scot in the groin.

Steve: I'm going back to women.

Audience chants: Gary! Gary! Gary!

Gary: Do any of you want to be with Scot after this show?

Cindy: No. The engagement is over.

Missy: Hell no.

Steve: No.

Dolly shakes her head. Flipper clicks.

Gary: I guess that's it, Scot. No one wants to sleep with you anymore.

Cindy: And no one in their right mind will want to after watching this show!

Missy: What's the matter Scot? Sheep got your tongue?

Scot groans in pain

Dolly: Baaaaaaaa

Gary: Up next- Spice Baby paternity tests.


Jon Koza: You slept with how many of them, Gary?

Gary: I wanna impregnate all of them, dammit!

Spice Girl #2: I named my baby Brooklyn after him.

Spice Girl #4: I left my soccer star boyfriend for this [bleep]ing talk show host!

Spice Girl #3: I'm pregnant with triplets after that hot night at his Canarsie flat.

Audience chants: Gary! Gary! Gary!